There's nothing like a family vacation, unless it's with the Griswolds. In honor of the holiday tradition, here are the funniest Christmas vacation quotes from Cousin Eddie, Clark and the whole gang.
So pour some eggnog and grab some Christmas cookies while you read through these memorable quotes.
And if you love holiday movies, check our these 125 Christmas movie trivia questions!
Best National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes
Here are the funniest, craziest and sometimes unbelievable things said by Cousin Eddie, Clark, Ellen, and the rest of the whacky Griswold clan.
Funniest Cousin Eddie Quotes
Randy Quaid steals the show as Cousin Eddie who comes to stay with Clark Griswold's family as they celebrates Christmas in retro comedy style.
- "You better take a rain check on that, Art, he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet." – Cousin Eddie
- "Oh, he’s just yakkin’ on a bone." – Cousin Eddie
- "If that thing had nine lives, she just spent ’em all." – Cousin Eddie
- "Save the neck for me, Clark!" – Cousin Eddie
- "Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he’ll be guessing people’s weight or barkin’ for the yak lady." – Cousin Eddie
- "Merry Christmas! Sh*tter was full!" – Cousin Eddie
- "I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic." – Cousin Eddie
- "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, Clark! You about ready to do some kissing?" – Cousin Eddie
- "Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."– Cousin Eddie
- "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?" – Cousin Eddie
- "They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour." – Cousin Eddie
- "Clark, I’d like to try to fumigate this here chair, it’s a good quality item. If you don’t mind my askin’, how much did she set you back?" – Cousin Eddie
- "You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark." – Cousin Eddie
- "And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark… something real nice." – Cousin Eddie
- "If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player." – Cousin Eddie
- "She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back..." – Cousin Eddie
Classic Quotes by Clark Griswold
Chevy Chase is unforgettable as Clark, hapless husband, father and the head of the Griswold family. Here are some of the classic lines he made famous including Clark's epic rant about his boss.
- "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" – Clark
- "If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised." – Clark
- "It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room." – Clark
- "Worse? How can things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!" – Clark
- "I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul." – Clark
- "Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are." — Clark
- "Yes, it's a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out." — Clark
- "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer." – Clark
- "Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!" – Clark
- "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here." – Clark
- "We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse." – Clark
- "Hey kids, look! A deer!" – Clark
- "Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!" – Clark
- "When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh... and... Eddie, with a man in his pajamas and a dog chain... tied to his wrists and ankles." – Clark
- "It's a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club." – Clark
- "I’m gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!" – Clark
- "Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?" – Clark
- "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah." – Clark
- "Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing." – Clark
- "I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas." – Clark
- "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is!" – Clark
Hilarious Quotes from the Rest of the Family
From Beverly D'Angelo as Clark's wife Ellen to Juliette Lewis as Audrey, the rest of the cast is hilarious as the extended Griswold family. The kids and grandparents will have you rolling on the floor with these funny lines.
- "You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." – Uncle Lewis
- "I don't know what to say, but it's Christmas, and we're all in misery." – Ellen
- "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?" – Grandpa Art
- "Clark, stop it. I don’t want to spend the holidays dead."" – Ellen
- "Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do." – Rusty Griswold
- "I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!" – Ruby Sue
- "Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down." — Ellen
- "And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddd?" — Margo Chester
- "She’ll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut."— Ellen
- "You just march over there and slug that creep in the face." — Margo
- "Hey Griswold, where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?" – Todd Chester "Bend over and I’ll show you." – Clark
- "Mom? This box is meowing." – Rusty
- "Grace? She died 30 years ago!" – Aunt Bethany
- "I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas." – Audrey Griswold
- "We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we dad?" – Audrey "No, I have one of those at home." – Clark
- "Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter." – Grandma Griswold
- "He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol." – Catherine
- "Do you hear it? It's a funny, squeaky sound!" – Aunt Bethany
FUN CHRISTMAS VACATION GIFTS WITH YOUR FAVORITE QUOTES
Love the movie? Celebrate with your favorite quotes on Christmas pajamas, t-shirts, and other great holiday gifts!
Whether you choose a "You serious Clark?" shirt or a mug with Clark's speech, you'll have the whole family laughing.