55 Funniest Christmas Vacation Quotes from the Movie

There's nothing like a family vacation, unless it's with the Griswolds. In honor of the holiday tradition, here are the funniest Christmas Vacation quotes from Cousin Eddie, Clark and the whole gang.

If you're a fan of the 1989 holiday movie classic National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (and the sequel), you're probably quoting it this time of year.

So pour some eggnog and grab some Christmas cookies while you read through these memorable quotes.

And if you love holiday movies, check out these 125 Christmas movie trivia questions!

Best National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Quotes

Here are the funniest, craziest and sometimes unbelievable things said by Cousin Eddie, Clark, Ellen, and the rest of the whacky Griswold clan in this iconic movie.

Funniest Cousin Eddie Quotes

"Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, Clark! You about ready to do some kissing?"

– Cousin Eddie

Randy Quaid steals the show as Cousin Eddie who comes to stay with Clark Griswold's family as they celebrate Christmas in retro comedy style.

1. "You better take a rain check on that, Art, he’s got a lip fungus they ain’t identified yet." – Cousin Eddie
2. "Oh, he’s just yakkin’ on a bone." – Cousin Eddie
3. "If that thing had nine lives, she just spent ’em all." – Cousin Eddie
4. "Save the neck for me, Clark!" – Cousin Eddie
5. "Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he’ll be guessing people’s weight or barkin’ for the yak lady." – Cousin Eddie
6. "Merry Christmas! Sh*tter was full!" – Cousin Eddie
7. "I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic." – Cousin Eddie
8. "Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas, Clark! You about ready to do some kissing?" – Cousin Eddie
9. "Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year."– Cousin Eddie
10. "Oh, that uh, that there's an RV. Yeah, yeah, I borrowed it off a buddy of mine. He took my house, I took the RV. It's a good looking vehicle, ain't it?" – Cousin Eddie
11. "They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour." – Cousin Eddie
12. "Clark, I’d like to try to fumigate this here chair, it’s a good quality item. If you don’t mind my askin’, how much did she set you back?" – Cousin Eddie
13. "You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this one's got, Clark." – Cousin Eddie
14. "And if it wouldn’t be too much, I’d like to get something for you, Clark… something real nice." – Cousin Eddie
15. "If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player." – Cousin Eddie
16. "She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back..." – Cousin Eddie

Classic Quotes by Clark Griswold

"Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas."

– Clark W. Grisold, Jr

Chevy Chase is unforgettable as Clark, hapless husband, father and the head of the Griswold family. Here are some of the classic lines he made famous including Clark's epic rant about his boss.

17. "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" – Clark
18. "If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised." – Clark
19. "It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room." – Clark
20. "Worse? How can things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We’re at the threshold of hell!" – Clark
21. "I was just looking at something for my wife, God rest her soul." – Clark
22. "Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are." — Clark
23. "Yes, it's a bit nipply out, I mean nippy out." — Clark
24. "Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air, and an a**hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer." – Clark
25. "Eat my road grit, Liver Lips!" – Clark
26. "Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here." – Clark
27. "We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse." – Clark
28. "Hey kids, look! A deer!" – Clark
29. "Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!" – Clark
30. "When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh... and... Eddie, with a man in his pajamas and a dog chain... tied to his wrists and ankles." – Clark
31. "It's a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club." – Clark
32. "I’m gonna catch it in a coat, and smack it with a hammer!" – Clark
33. "Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?" – Clark
34. "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah." – Clark
35. "Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing." – Clark
36. "I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas." – Clark
37. "Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey sh*t he is!" – Clark

Hilarious Quotes from the Rest of the Family

"I don't know what to say, but it's Christmas, and we're all in misery."

– Ellen Griswold

From Beverly D'Angelo as Clark's wife Ellen to Juliette Lewis as Audrey, the rest of the cast is hilarious as the extended Griswold family. The kids and grandparents will have you rolling on the floor with these funny lines.

38. "You couldn’t hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant." – Uncle Lewis
39. "I don't know what to say, but it's Christmas, and we're all in misery." – Ellen
40. "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?" – Grandpa Art
41. "Clark, stop it. I don’t want to spend the holidays dead."" – Ellen
42. "Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed—and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do." – Rusty Griswold
43. "I love it here. You don’t gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom, and your house is always parked in the same place!" – Ruby Sue
44. "Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down." — Ellen
45. "And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddd?" — Margo Chester
46. "She’ll see it later honey, her eyes are frozen shut."— Ellen
47. "You just march over there and slug that creep in the face." — Margo
48. "Hey Griswold, where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?" – Todd Chester "Bend over and I’ll show you." – Clark
49. "Mom? This box is meowing." – Rusty
50. "Grace? She died 30 years ago!" – Aunt Bethany
51. "I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas." – Audrey Griswold
52. "We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we dad?" – Audrey "No, I have one of those at home." – Clark
53. "Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter." – Grandma Griswold
54. "He read that squirrels are high in cholesterol." – Catherine
55. "Do you hear it? It's a funny, squeaky sound!" – Aunt Bethany

Fun Christmas Vacation Gifts With Your Favorite Quotes

Love the movie? Celebrate with your favorite quotes on Christmas pajamas, t-shirts, and other great holiday gifts!

Whether you choose a "You serious Clark?" shirt or a mug with Clark's speech, you'll have the whole family laughing.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation truly captures the chaos and hilarity of the holiday season with family. From Clark's plans gone wrong to Cousin Eddie's hilarious one-liners, watching and quoting the best lines from Christmas Vacation is a must for your holiday tradition!